By now, we’re certain you own, or have on Christmas Layaway, Whiggy Tease items for yourself, your significant other, your children, various relatives, friends and co-workers. Perhaps you’ve even purchased something for a frenemy or two.
But what about your pets? What does Whiggy Tease, America’s Favorite On-Line Store for Political and Historical Swag, have to offer your pet?
We’re glad you asked.
We’ve spent the weekend focus grouping a series of Presidential Pet Bowls. They scored 8.5 on the very complicated Whiggy Tease Ten Point Scoring System. Said one member of the focus group, “I think I’d consider it hilarious to watch my dog drink out of a replica of the personalized food dish used by the president’s dog.”
Our fellow Americans, let the hilarity begin.
There’s a bowl for the current first dog, Bo…
… please note the modern White House logo, and the fact that Bo’s name is in Democratic Blue.
There’s a Barney bowl, after President George W. Bush’s dog…
… you will note that not only is the dog’s name in Republican Red, the font used is “Elephant.” Do you understand how much work we here at Whiggy Tease put into these things?
Also on sale are bowls for Ike’s dog “Heidi,” Gerald Ford’s dog “Liberty,” and LBJ’s beagles “Him” and “Her.” Let us not forget Bill Clinton's chocolate lab, "Buddy."
“I don’t have a dog,” said the Whiggy Tease focus group participant.
Well, we have cat stuff. Yeah, there’s the Socks dish. But more importantly, there’s a dish for Jimmy Carter’s cat, Misty Malarky Ying Yang.
Yes. It seemed that President Carter not only solicited foreign policy advice from his daughter Amy, he also gave her complete control over the pet naming.
Before you ask, there is no “Checkers” dish yet, because right now we’re focusing on Presidential-level pets. Checkers never made it to the White House.
Our favorite dish in this soon-to-be expanding series is the Fala dish, in honor of FDR’s dog. Note the retro White House logo. Again, time + thought X hard work = quality.
You know, Checker’s had a speech, but frankly, we think it paled to FDR’s famous Fala Speech:These Republican leaders have not been content with attacks on me, or my wife, or on my sons. No, not content with that, they now include my little dog, Fala. Well, of course, I don't resent attacks, and my family doesn't resent attacks, but Fala does resent them.
You know, Fala is Scotch, and being a Scottie, as soon as he learned that the Republican fiction writers in Congress and out had concocted a story that I had left him behind on the Aleutian Islands and had sent a destroyer back to find him - at a cost to the taxpayers of two or three, or eight or twenty million dollars- his Scotch soul was furious. He has not been the same dog since.
I am accustomed to hearing malicious falsehoods about myself - such as that old, worm-eaten chestnut that I have represented myself as indispensable. But I think I have a right to resent, to object to libelous statements about my dog.
Shop away, as the Presidential Pets department in the “Historical Stuff” store is now open. Bo the Dog has his own department in “Modern Politics,” but you knew that.
